If you would a more in-depth story of Why I Left PT School, click here.
“You won’t spend the rest of your lives chasing youre own desires, but you will be anxious to do the will of God.”
1 Peter 4:3
As I am writing this blog post [Monday, December 9, 2019 to be exact], my former co-hort is spending their last day of the semester listening to their peers’ TED talks. They have finished all their finals, all of their practicals, and all of their didactic work on campus. While I am happy and proud of the Class of 2020 for reaching this milestone, I admit: I wish I am at that point in my PT school journey. The feeling of not worrying about any exams or skill checks and eagerness to start clinical rotations must be great.
My time off from school has been busy at most. [There were a few days of plain laziness and just binging on YouTube videos and shows on Netflix.] It involves several minutes a week driving around Houston and Galveston, doing household tasks per mom’s request, and many moments of self-reflection. Today, I want to share with you my personal growth and shift in my mental headspace through little lessons.
I’ve learned A LOT about myself.
The ENNEAGRAM
One of the first things I did when I filed my leave of absence was seek a counselor. My earlier sessions consisted of the stereotypical talking [and crying] about what happened. Then I was assigned to read a book: The Road Back to You: An Enneagram Journey to Self-Discovery. As a fan of personality tests, I was excited to read it.
The book was very insightful. I was able to determine my personality type: Type Seven. (Some associated keywords with this type include: spontaneity, scattered, FOMO, and enthusiasm.) I have been told that I’m scattered brain, that I’m the jack of all trades and have an accumulation of interests. I always feel left out if I’m not invited to the fun party, yet I’m know to be optimistic. The book affirms that my habits and way of thinking is normal. It explained how I normally process emotions [or rather how I suppress my emotions and don’t process them at all]. Now I don’t consider myself to be an enneagram expert by any means, but the enneagram does not explain my failures. However, I can facilitate my traits to reach my true potential and thrive.
The Emotions
As I mentioned previously, my natural tendency when it comes to emotions is avoiding them and escape into other things (YouTube, Netflix, sleeping). THIS IS NOT HOW ONE SHOULD COPE. If you are not addressing your emotions, it will take longer to process them.
In November, I began what I call Phase 2 of my therapy journey: EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing). [If you don’t know what it is, that’s okay. I didn’t know what it was either until my counselor introduce it to me. I can make a separate video/post about my experience.] Through this process, I had to face my past and put it aside so I can prepare for the future. Resonating on what happened last summer only made me wallow in my misery and bring up my regrets and resentments, my doubts and Debby-downer moods, my lack of confidence and competence. The key to EMDR is to keep an open mind and be honest with yourself, which can be applicable advice to anyone [even if you’re not doing EMDR). Soon, we will prepare for the future – what do I need to do when PT school begins and I have to face the dreaded exams and practicals again. The toolbox of coping resources is only growing.
The spiritual connection
As mentioned in my post, part of why I needed a break is because I had self-doubts about a career in physical therapy. Recently, I’ve gained new readers on my “I Left PT School + What I’m Doing About It,” and their response to the post is “Were you unsure about becoming a PT during the application process?” The answer is YES. I thought, “If I got accepted into a PT program, God wants me to be a PT.” Well, those prayers [more like pleas] were answered, but I never fully understood why God wanted me to be a PT.
One of the cool things about my counselor is having the free space to express my concerns about God’s will for my life. I took an assessment to reveal my spiritual gifts and read assigned Scripture. One week, I was assigned to read 1 Peter 4 and glean 20 observations from it. One of them being:
The will of God is NOT easy.
Think about Moses, Paul, and John the Baptist. They all have faced challenges when God called them to do His work. In the same way, PT has known to be tough. Upon discovering the spiritual gifts God gave me (helping others, giving, encouragement), I rediscovered how I can use my spiritual gifts in the profession of PT. After talking to my counselor, we discussed that physical therapy may not be the ending to God’s plan but rather a catalyst to do other things I’m passionate about [more about that later].
I’ve learned about PT school.
This realization would not have happened if it wasn’t for the online PT community, so THANK YOU! After talking to some of y’all through DMs or virtual face-to-face, the common message was that leaving PT school and restarting is such a new [and possibly taboo] subject matter on the internet. I get it – nobody really wants to share their struggles online. Social media has this preconceived notion that every post should be positive.
But think about it: I’m certainly not the only one who has had to take a break from school. [I’m not the only one who has taken a break from my grad program.] There’s just not many people who share about it. People have commended me on being so raw and vulnerable sharing my story online, but I don’t want people [especially most people I know on Facebook] to know this part of my life.
To those of you who are nervous about PT school or uncertain if PT school is for you, apply to PT school anyway. My friends and I jokingly said, “If you don’t know what to do in your life, go to PT school.” In all seriousness, this brings me to my next point: there is more than one path in the career of physical therapy. I’m not talking about specialites like orthopedics or pelvic health. There are PTs who are managers and entreprenuers. Other PTs are into marketing. There are others who realized after PT school is not for them after going through all 3 years of the program. The bottom line is PTs are not always practicing clinicians. It may not be practical, but going through PT school is one way to find your true passion.
I’ve learned about TIME.
My parents never emphasize the saying enough: “Time is of the essence.” And it’s true. We live in a world where everyone has expected timeline. A bachelor’s degree by age 22. [Sometimes graduate school to procrastinate about becoming adults.] A job after that. Marriage before 30. Kids after that. I get why – my parents want me to be a financially independent and responsible adult so they can retire. I’m on board with them. I want to finish so I can personally fund my own creative projects, socialize with friends, travel the world [especially after graduation because I’m not trying to be limited by vacation breaks].
I think there’s another lesson in time – time to heal. As I learned in my psychosocial class, trauma doesn’t necessarily mean physcial injury. Leaving PT school is another example of experiencing loss. Initially, my parents expected me to start observing at a clinic, studying for school, get a temporary job right away, but I couldn’t bring myself up to that. Observing at a clinic was the last thing I wanted to do. I didn’t want to bring up my failures to PTs and let them judge me for taking a break when I was almost done. It took me time [and counseling] to understand that’s the worst scenario and to decide that I want to pursue PT again. My aunt was supportive by telling my parents to let me be. I needed to address my emotional needs before getting back to the clinic and eventually the campus.
I’ve learned that I want to come back.
It may not have looked that way on Instagram, but I feel like I lost myself in the hectic world that was PT school. Now that I have found myself again in God’s purpose for me and my personality type, I can’t wait to be back in the classroom with my peers. As my first step to resume classes, I took the initiative and got in contact with a local outpatient orthopedic clinic. [I didn’t even tell my parents that I was doing observations until the morning of my first day. They were surprised, but I think that made them happy.] The PTs were understanding of my situation and reassured me that it will be worth it in the end.
As for reviewing my old notes, I’m not quite there yet. I attempted to review my Scorebuilders NPTE book. [I even made a calendar spacing out subjects over the course of this semester.] When I would open the book and read the pages, I would think, “I remember this. I know this already,” but if you were to test me on these subjects, I would not pass with flying colors. [I would probably get 70% of the material.] The only “studying” I have done is anwering Question of the Day posts on SPTs’ instagram stories and feeds. I have intentions to dive into my notes in 2020.
Well, I hope you enjoyed my end of the semester self reflection. I’m planning on doing a corresponding YouTube video that highlights what I did during my first months not in PT school. If you liked this post, leave your email so you’re in the know on future posts. Also, comment on what PT related posts you would want to see? I want to start 2020 on a strong note with more frequent posts.
matthewvillegaspt says
Love the honesty! Much wiser to find yourself and move forward than crawl along begrudgingly while still feeling lost. I wish I did the same reflecting on my experience. My Anatomy tutee went through this experience and is all the better for it and on track to graduate soon. Keep it up!